Letting go...Holding on...

 In Blackwater Woods- Mary Oliver

Look, the trees

are turning

their own bodies

into pillars

of light,

are giving off the rich

fragrance of cinnamon

and fulfillment,

the long tapers

of cattails

are bursting and floating away over

the blue shoulders

of the ponds,

and every pond,

no matter what its

name is, is

nameless now.

Every year

everything

I have ever learned

in my lifetime

leads back to this: the fires

and the black river of loss

whose other side

is salvation,

whose meaning

none of us will ever know.

To live in this world

you must be able

to do three things:

to love what is mortal;

to hold it

against your bones knowing

your own life depends on it;

and, when the time comes to let it go,

to let it go.

I lost my cat this month. She had been a constant companion at the nursery for the past ten years. She was a great hunter, and fiercely territorial. She was a pitiful throw away who turned into a beautiful animal. She was sweet, and tough, and loyal. She found us, and decided to stay. We used to say that she was the best dog we ever had.

I am still a little sad. I still look for her when I go to work. I am trying to let it go.  But as I struggle a little missing my beloved cat, I am also trying to remind myself how rich and full my life is. And as I march quickly toward the mortality of my 60th birthday, I find myself paying more and more attention to counting each and every one of those blessings.

I guess that's pretty much a constant theme here. But it is still hard to remember. It is strange to me how many little bits of interaction with a cat I must have taken for granted in a simple day at work. I now see every one of them as tiny holes in my day. If that could be true with a pet, I am almost afraid to imagine how many opportunities I have missed with those activities and people and places I love. Here are some of the plugs for those holes, inspired by Norah Ephron....:

- Do more reading. I just finished a witty, funny, remarkably down to earth book by Nora Ephron- I Feel Bad About my Neck. Please, if you want to touch base with what really matters in life, read this book. I laughed, I cried, I took her perspective and wrote her imaginary letters about how she wrote the chapter on death.....and how she felt about it now that she was dead.

- Take a vacation. Sometimes we work too hard. Sometimes we haven't enough money. Sometimes we think we'll just wait for a better time, when things settle down. Hogwash. So I am using that 60th birthday as the excuse we need to make it happen. We'll visit our favorite spots in the Yorkshire Dales and the Lake District in England, and then we'll visit a new area of England- Devon- that is loaded with coastline, gardens, hiking trails and all new scenery and roundabouts to conquer. Oh, and new beer to sample!

- Spend more time in my own garden- I spend lots of time producing plants for other people's gardens. I love what I do. But, like the feet of the cobbler's children, my garden is somewhat bare. So, in this horribly hot, dry, unpleasant summer, I am having a wonderful time putting plants in the ground, laying out paths, and daring the deer to eat that much.

- Make an effort.  Since we moved out of Atlanta, we have lost that close daily relationship with some really good friends. Some friends are even farther away. We can all weather the distance, and still remain good friends. But sometimes it just takes some effort to make the connection stick from time to time. Can't do it all at once, but I am trying to make the time and organize the occasions. Doesn't matter what we do. It matters that we do something.

- Get rid of the negative. This is not an idea that is original with me, but a sentiment that I embraced as soon as I heard it, and one I am reaffirming now. I am a passionate player, and not necessarily a team player, when the team not competitively one for all. I am also not a fan of the "southern way" of obfuscating reality to make it more palatable. There are negative influences in our lives that we bear instead of changing. Make the change now, and get rid of that negative time and energy drain.

- Say "Thank You" more . Just because.

- Hold hands more with my husband.  Nothing could be more important, or more comforting than holding hands with my best and dearest friend.

- from the Bucket List - "find the joy in your life"

So as I plug those holes, and let go, I am taking a little time to recommit to taking note of my very special world and it's momentary gems. I know my own life depends on it.